If you love someone, don't let them go
by DiaryofanAussieKid
Summary: It Christmas holidays and Santana is coming home to find alot of things have changed.
1. Chapter 1

It was Christmas time, and although Santana was no longer officially _with_ Brittany she still couldn't imagine spending the holidays away from her. It was a chilly December 24th night; Santana was going to surprise Brittany at her house for Christmas Eve. As the cab pulled into her street all Santana could imagine was embracing Brittany and the feel of her cold red nose against her bare neck. Letting Brittany go was the hardest thing Santana had ever done in her life, they had fought so hard to be together but the thought of hurting Brittany, the first and only person she had ever loved, tore a whole inside Santana that she could not ignore. So yes, they were not dating, but no one on the planet would love Brittany liked Santana did, how she still does.

"Can you stop here please?" Santana asked the cab driver a couple houses down from Brit's. She didn't want her to see the headlights through her window. As Santana walked down the icy sidewalk towards Brittany's house she couldn't stop smiling, she had missed her so much. It was only 7pm so Santana wasn't surprised to see Brittany's light on in her bedroom. She stepped up to the front door which was laid with a Holly reeve. She took a deep breath and with a huge smile she knocked on the front door.

Brittany was a vision, her blonde locks falling softly at her shoulders; she was wearing little shorts and a large sweat shirt, too big for her which made her look even tinier than she naturally was. Her blue eyes widened as she met Santana's smoldering brown eyes. Santana smiled widely at the woman she still loved deeply, Brittany, mouth slightly open stared back at her speechless.

"Surprise!" Santana shouted stepping forward and wrapping her arms around Brittany. She slotted her arms around her waist with such ease; it was like she was home. Santana felt Brittany embrace her and as she did she took in the familiar scent of her hair. She found the familiar nook in Brittany's neck that she fitted into so well and had to remind herself not to kiss her supple peach skin.

Santana let go as she felt Brittany pulling away and she took a step back to take her all in.

"I know that were…..well, I know that things are different, but….Brit its Christmas and I couldn't….I couldn't be away from you". Santana confessed staring familiarly into Brittany's eyes.

"Santana, I….I didn't think you were coming home for the holidays…..I thought, we'd talk in the New Year...Stuff has changed…" Brittany stumbled for her words.

"I know things have changed Brit, but it Christmas, and you're meant to be with the ones you love on Christmas. Brittany you know I still…" Santana stopped from saying the three words she wanted to say, as she saw Brittany look sheepishly to the ground. "Look, just for now, just for tonight Brit" Santana said reaching for Brittany's hand. Her skin was still so smooth and soft, her hands still fitted perfectly inside Santana's. "Can we forget it all, and just be together".

Brittany was biting her lip and looking down. Santana step forward and took her chin in her hand. "Don't look away" she said tilting the blonde beauties eyes up to hers. "Brittany, I have never stopped loving you, not one single second in all these months". Santana couldn't stop herself, it was too natural, too much a part of her being. She pursed her lips and pulled Brittany towards her soft, wet lips.

Just before their mouths could connect Santana was startled by a loud cough from behind Brittany. Thinking it was her dad she automatically took a step back. Santana watched as a man came from behind and wrapped his arms around Brittany's waist. That was Santana's waist, that was where Santana's arms were made to fit. It took her a second to recognize who was leaning his head over Brittany's shoulder. It was Sam Evans.

Santana just stood, taking in the sight of Sam with his arms wrapped around Brittany's slender waist. She looked searching into Brittany's eyes. She could see tears starting to well.

"Santana, what are you doing in town?" Sam asked smiling at the girl on the doorstep.

Santana looked up at Sam puzzled. She had so many questions running through her mind. "I..Um, I came home for the holidays". She said still staring at Brittany. "Um…so what….ah, what's going on here?" Santana questioned.

Sam still ever smiling, kissed Brittany on the cheek "Just thought I'd come over and spend Christmas Eve with Brit. I'll be spending Christmas day with my folks tomorrow so just making the most of tonight, where just about to start Avatar if you wanna come in?"

Brittany with a look of shock and sorrow on her delicate face motioned to speak as Santana cut her off.

"So, you two". Santana said now with the earth shattering realization of what was happening.

"Santana I was going to tell you, I just didn't know how" Brittany begged, tears escaping her eyes. She wiped it away before Sam could see.

"You're together" Santana said this almost to herself. Everything she thought she knew was over. The woman she loved more than anything in the world was now in the arms of another, and more than anything, Santana hated herself for it.

The smile dropped from Sam's face, he dropped his arms to his side. "Oh" he said. He looked into Santana's eyes. He always liked Santana, it was not his intentions to hurt her. "Santana, I thought you knew…Brittany said, well I thought she said, she told you about….us".

The word stung Santana like a thousand knives. Sam and Brittany, they were an 'us'.

All Santana wanted to do was run, run and run and run. But she knew no matter how fast she ran, she could not escape this pain. The reality was that the one she loved was now loving someone else. The thought of the two of them together crept like a monster into her thoughts. Sam touching what Santana had touched, kissing what only Santana was allowed to kiss.

As nausea swept over her, Santana backed in to the snow. She had to get air, she couldn't breathe.

"Santana, come inside, we need to talk" Brittany said stepping out into the cold, motioning for Santana to come inside.

Santana pinched her eyes as she tried to focus on forming words. "I, I forgot I have to go to my parents' house. I….have to go. Merry Christmas."

Santana used every ounce of strength she had left inside to move her legs. She walked away and as she did she heard Brittany call out her name. She didn't know where she was going, she just knew she had to keep walking. The pain in her heart overwhelmed her, everything went numb. The world as Santana knew it was over.


	2. Chapter 2

Brittany slowly shut the front door as she watched Santana disappear into the darkness. She understood why Santana had to leave, it was a lot to process and it didn't help that she had no warning. Brittany took a deep breath as she knew she had to face Sam now. She turned on her heels and faced her boyfriend. Sam was about to open his mouth to speak when Brittany motioned for them to go into her bedroom. Luckily her parents were so engrossed in their television program they had fail to hear the commotion that had just taken place.

Brittany marched into her room and sat straight down on her bed, she rubbed her head which was now pounding with all the emotions she was currently feeling. Sam walked in and shut the door softly. He leaned against it waiting for Brittany to say something.

"I'm sorry" Brittany said, looking into Sam's big eyes.

Sam titled his beautiful mouth. "Are you sorry you didn't tell me that Santana didn't know, or are you sorry you didn't tell Santana were dating?"

Brittany shot to her feet, suddenly frustrated with the whole situation. "I'm sorry to both of you!" she said raising her tone. "It wasn't fair to you to put you in that situation and it really wasn't fair to San to let her come here not knowing what was going on".

"Britt" Sam said trying to stop Brittany from pacing. "Look, it's okay….well I mean, I'm okay anyways. I wish you had mentioned it to me but I get that you hadn't found the right time to tell her about us". Brittany stopped moving and stood in front of her boyfriend with her head lowered. Sam moved his hands to Brittany's shoulders. "It's alright Britt" he said forcing a smile. "At least it's all out now". He pulled Brittany into a hug.

Brittany knew he was saying this to try and make her feel better but it wasn't working. Brittany never wanted to hurt Santana and maybe that was why she hadn't been able to tell her about Sam. But now, with all of this, Santana was sure to be in pain and there was nothing Brittany could do to take that away. The truth was, Brittany still loved Santana, she always had, but it hurt so much to have her away all the time, she had to try and let go. She had locked her heart away, locked up all those feelings for Santana so she didn't have to feel them every day, every minute and cry because she missed her so much.

Sam pulled out of the hug and looked Brittany in her blue eyes. "What were you guys talking about for so long before I got there anyways?" Sam questioned.

Brittany hesitated, Sam hadn't seen the almost kiss. "Nothing, she just….just came to say hi, you know, let me know she was in town".

"Oh, okay cool!" Sam smiled. "You ready to watch Avatar?" he said as he jumped on Brittany's bed like an excited little boy. That was one of the things Brittany was drawn to with Sam, his joy. Nothing ever fazed him; he believed people at their word and didn't question or look for the negative. Most people called that naive, but after all the sadness that had surrounded Brittany; it was exactly what she needed.

Brittany sat on her bed with the blonde haired boy, and as the film started her thoughts drifted off. She replayed the night's conversations over and over again in her mind, wishing and praying that it was all just a bad dream.


	3. Chapter 3

Santana didn't know how long she had been walking for, or even where she was. All she knew was she had to get as far away from Brittany and Sam as she could. She hadn't realized that she had started shaking from the cold, and her fingers were numb and bare. She kept picturing them together and the word 'us' kept swirling in Santana's mind like a haunting nightmare. It was as if the pain became too much all at once and her body finally gave out. With a misplaced step, Santana fell into the snow. She contemplated never getting up, she thought if she just laid very still that the snow would cover her and she would disappear into the whiteness. The thought soothed her and just as she had decided on her fate she was startled by a car horn. At first she didn't move, wishing furiously for the world to disappear, and then another beep. She heard someone call her name out of the car window, she was too afraid to look up, afraid it might be Brittany and also afraid it wasn't.

"Santana is that you?" the person called from the car.

Santana heard a car door open and close and footsteps crunching on the snow. She opened her eyes to see Quinn Fabray standing over her looking puzzled.

"What the….Santana what are you doing?" Quinn choked out stunned. She reached a hand down to Santana who after a few seconds took it and the pretty blonde girl heaved Santana to her feet. Quinn could feel Santana was shivering and quickly walked her over to the car and put her in the passenger seat. Quinn got into her car and started the engine which ignited the heating. Santana embraced the warmth on her face and began to thaw out. Without words Quinn started the engine and began to drive.

"I'm taking you home" Quinn said looking across to a silent Santana.

Not that Santana was aware of it but she was actually only a couple of streets away from her house. When Quinn got there she stopped just before the driveway and turned the lights off but kept the engine running so to keep the warm air blowing. "What were you doing out in the snow in the middle of the night….and on Christmas Eve? And what are you even doing back in Ohio?" Quinn had so many questions to ask her former class mate.

Santana just stared through the foggy windscreen at all the Christmas lights glistening on the houses.

"She's dating Sam". Santana said flatly.

She looked up at Quinn who was looking into her eyes with a look of sorrow. "Brittany, she's dating Sam".

Quinn fidgeted in her seat uncomfortably. She twisted her lips not knowing how to say what she needed to.

"San….I know." Quinn said regretfully.

"WHAT!" Santana said, now sitting upright in her seat. "Was I the only person that didn't know this? God, I bet even Berry knows!" Santana crossed her arms across her chest.

"It's not like that" Quinn assured her. "It's just, Puck and I were together the other day buying some Christmas presents to send to Beth, and well…you know, Puck told me and Jake told Puck. It's a small town hun, I'm sorry". Quinn reached out and rubbed Santana's shoulder.

"Shit" Santana said rubbing her face. "How could I be so stupid, I should have seen this coming, I should have known!" She looked into Quinn's eyes; she wanted as much info as she could but she was afraid of the pain it was going to cause. "Tell me what you know?"

"I don't know much. Apparently everyone in Glee Club just thought they were friends until one day they came out and said they were dating." Quinn said trying to deliver each word delicately.

"How long?" Santana said softly.

"Puck said just a couple of weeks". Quinn answered regretfully.

Santana sighed. "It must have been after I came back to do the musical. She told me she missed me, and I just….I just shut her down". Santana shook her head trying to escape the memory.

"Santana, I don't know what's gone on with the two of you, but I was there for three years…..all those years you loved Brittany in silence and then when you finally got together." Quinn smiled brightly. "I know how much you two love each other. I don't know what this thing is with Sam, but it can't compare to the love you shared".

Santana stared into the darkness. "I let her go Quinn, I just let her go. I thought it was for the right reasons but now, now I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore".

She suddenly snapped back to reality, Santana was never much of a sharer; she didn't like to make herself vulnerable to anyone. Anyone, but Brittany. "Anyway, thanks for the lift Quinn" she said opening the car door.

"San, are you sure you're going to be okay?" Quinn asked her friend.

"I'm not sure of anything" Santana answered honestly. She forced a smile, "Merry Christmas Quinn".

"Merry Christmas Santana" Quinn said wishing she could do more.

Santana shut the door and began to walk towards her house. She heard Quinn drive off and she stopped and just stood in the middle of her front yard. She took a deep breathe, it was Christmas and she wouldn't burden her family with this. She forced a smile, willed the pain in her heart to stop and walked through her front door.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a long Christmas day for Brittany, too much had happened the day before and her mind was still racing. She had made her choice, Sam was it, he was safe and most of all, he caused her no pain. But now Santana was back in town, and all those feelings that had been locked up were now pounding at her heart, trying to break in.

Brittany had made her mind up to give Santana a few days before she reached out to her, not only to let Santana process it all but to give herself time to think of what she was going to say. It surprised Brittany when she received a text message the night after Christmas:

Hi. Can you come meet me? Choir room, 30mins. San.

Oh god, Brittany thought. She wasn't ready, what was she going to say? And the choir room? It was just past 8pm and it was summer break?

She dressed hesitantly, still trying to think of what to say but coming up blank. She decided to walk as McKinley was only a couple of streets away from her house, plus she could use the walk to clear her head.

When she reached the door to the school she didn't know what to do, it was so dark. She lightly pushed on the door and was surprised when it opened. She walked down the halls, passed the darkened classrooms and rounded the corner to where the choir room was located. Brittany could see a light was on inside, this was it she thought. She took a deep breath and stepped inside the door.

Sitting at the back of the room amongst the empty chairs was the Hispanic beauty. Santana's hair was hanging lightly on her shoulders which was how Brittany liked it, she wore a tight black dress and boots, she looked beautiful.

Santana made her way down the chairs to stand in front of Brittany.

"Thanks for coming" She said letting a half smile creep into the corners of her mouth.

"Of course, I wanted to talk to you anyways". Brittany looked around the empty choir room, "How did you get in here?" she furrowed her eyebrows.

Santana chuckled. "I had a key cut for this place in sophomore year".

Brittany laughed, something she hadn't done in two days and it felt nice, it felt especially nice to be able to laugh with Santana again. She walked over to the piano, and with a little jump she sat herself on it. Brittany began to kick her legs nervously and recognising this Santana began to speak.

"So your dating Sam" Santana said this as a statement not a question. She walked over and pulled a chair over closer to Brittany. She sat down and stared up at the blue eyed girl on the piano. "How did that happen?

Brittany twisted her mouth. "I don't know really. After you….." Brittany hesitated, "left….Sam became a good friend for me, someone I could talk to….at first it was mostly about you".

Santana squirmed in her chair but quickly settled herself, no matter how painful it was, she needed to hear it.

"And then one day Sam told me how he felt and I don't know, I guess it was nice to have that….someone that cared about me….someone who wanted to be with me".

Santana bit her lip, was she supposed to take that as an attack? That Santana didn't care about her? She let Brittany continue.

"Sam is a good guy, he cares about me, and I care about him". Brittany said trying to justify herself but not knowing why she had to.

After a moment of silence Santana spoke. "Trouty mouth is a good guy, I know that….I mean I _dated _him to remember" Santana raised her eyebrows. "But then again" Santana said slightly smirking, "_A lot _of girls in the glee club think he's a good guy….Me, Quinn, Mercedes" Santana trailed of in a laugh.

Brittany rolled her eyes. "Don't make fun of him Santana!"

"I'm not" Santana said shaking her head, "But the fact is Britt, he goes through the girls in glee club faster than Finn 'tubs' Hudson goes through jars of peanut butter". She laughed at herself.

Brittany frowned, "Its different okay, we _really_ care about each other".

"Yeah, just like he '_cared' _about all the others". Santana now said with a sting in her words.

"What do you care Santana! Really? What's it to you anyway?" Brittany threw her arms up. "You said date other people. YOU said that Santana" Brittany raised her voice now frustrated.

Santana stiffened up; she had never heard Brittany yell like this before. Getting defensive she furrowed her eyebrows. "I know I did okay. But saying you could date other people and the reality of it….it's different okay….I just didn't expect you'd move on so quick…." Santana stood up and paced to the back of the room "I guess you just didn't feel the same about me as I did about you" Santana mumbled.

"What?" Brittany protested hearing Santana's remark under her breath. She jumped to her feet in disgust. "What did you just say to me?"

Santana turned around to see the anger she had caused.

"How could you say that to me Santana! How dare you? _You_ leftme! _You_ broke up with ME!"

Santana stood, glued to the floor not able to get a word in. she let Brittany go on.

"When you said we should see other people, you broke my heart Santana! You gave up on us, you gave up on me!"

A tear tried to escape Brittany's eye before she angrily wiped it away with the back of her hand.

"I loved you Santana, more than I have loved anyone in this world….more than I probably ever will. When you left, you broke my heart into a million pieces and all I've been trying to do since is put it back together and if Sam helps me do that than, damn it San, that's what it takes!".

Brittany took a breath. She felt like the weight of the last couple months had been released from her chest.

"Brittany" Santana began. "I did what I thought was best for you. I was never here, what sort of relationship was that? I couldn't hurt you like that Britt….I had to let you go, but that does mean I ever stopped caring about you….it doesn't mean I stopped loving you". Santana searched Brittany's blue eyes for a response, but one didn't come.

"How about instead of deciding what is best for me, you just ask me?" Brittany turned her back to Santana and paced.

"I'm sorry okay, I didn't know what to do….I just thought…you know" Santana sighed looking for the right words. "Britt, it's like they say, if you love someone, let them go".

Brittany didn't move, she stood facing her back to Santana when she said "NO". Brittany spun around, tears running down her pale cheeks. She looked Santana straight in the eyes. "No Santana, if you love someone, don't let them go".

Santana was speechless, seeing the tears pouring out of Brittany's eyes broke her heart. "Britt, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry". She stepped towards Brittany, trying to take her in her arms.

Brittany stepped back, putting a hand up to Santana, motioning for her to stop. The two girls stood staring at each other in silence.

"Santana" Brittany choked out in a tired voice. "What do you want from me?"

Santana ached to hold Brittany. Her eyes welled up, "Britt….all I want is you". She hesitated, she didn't want to say too much but she had to put it all on the table. "I made a mistake. I didn't fight for us when I should have. I want you back, I want us to be like we were baby. I miss you so much and I love you, I always have and I always will Britt". Santana stepped forward and was surprised when Brittany didn't retreat. She put one arm around her slender waist and with the other hand she brushed Brittany's hair behind her ear.

Brittany melted into the soft touch of Santana's skin against her face. It was so familiar and warm.

Santana looked deep into Brittany's eyes. "I love you so much Brittany, I'm so sorry I hurt you". Santana smiled into her eyes, "This room is where we fell in love baby". She said brushing Brittany's cheek.

A tear rolled down Brittany's face. She went numb. Brittany looked deeply into Santana's dark beautiful eyes and just wished for a moment that nothing had gone wrong and they were still happy and in love. Her heart broke as the words left her lips, "and this is the room where we end Santana".

Brittany stepped back until she was standing in the choir room doorway facing the woman she loved.

Santana couldn't stop the tears escaping her eyes. She shook her head in confusion, it couldn't be over, not really….there had to be a way…..something she could say. She opened her mouth but no words came out, she was too numb, too broken, what could she say to make Brittany stay?

Brittany took one last look and walked away.


	5. Chapter 5

Santana threw herself back onto Quinn's bed. "And then she just walked out of the choir room" she sighed, retelling her heartbreak.

Quinn sat on the edge of her bed, not knowing what to say to comfort her friend. Rachel who was also home in Lima for the holidays sat by the computer, her face twisted as if in pain.

"Oh Santana, I'm so sorry. I can just imagine having that conversation with Finn; it must have been so tough".

Santana sat up, "Tubs the dough boy doesn't compare to Brittany!" Santana snapped. "Sorry, I'm working on my anger" she said to Rachel seeing her face sadden.

Mercedes who sat in the corner on Quinn's bean bag chair just laughed, taking in the dramatics. "HA HA, look girl, he's just a rebound for her, and as for Sam, well he changes his mind on who he loves every second day….and you can take my word on that one haha" she laughed smirking at Santana.

Santana forced a smile. "It just sucks. I know it's all my fault but I just never really thought she'd move on, not straightaway". Santana fell back again, lying on the bed she put her hands to her face, "Did we mean nothing?" she said to herself.

"Oh shut up!" Quinn hissed at Santana.

The Hispanic girl jolted straight up wondering if she heard correctly. Santana contorted her face into a look of pure anger and hurt.

Quinn stared deeply into Santana's smoldering dark eyes. "Enough with the victim routine" she laughed. "This isn't you! This isn't the Santana Lopez we know!"

Santana softened, partly knowing that this is what she needed to hear. "Well what do you want me to say? It is my fault, god Quinn I've just lost my soul mate, can you cut me a fucking break?!" the anger returned to Santana, building in her stomach like a serpent.

"No I won't! San, who cares whose fault it is, or what's happened. It's about what you're going to do about it now that counts".

"Come on girls, don't fight, we haven't all been together for ages. Can we just enjoy it?" Rachel pleaded, forcing her widest smile.

"Just let them go" Mercedes said, being the only one who was paying attention to Rachel.

"It's not that simple! What am I supposed to do, she's got a boyfriend now! I can't just steal her" Santana ranted. "Although I know stealing someone else's partner is something you would do" Santana smirked under her breath.

"Do you want me to slap you again?" Quinn protested, confronting Santana.

"Oh bring it on Barbie!" Santana stepped forward.

"STOP IT!" Rachel bellowed, jumping in between the girls. "Just stop it!"

The girls calmed down, and eyeballing each other, Quinn and Santana both sat down.

"What has happened to us?" Rachel said with a strained voice. "Such terrible things have been going on in our lives lately, Santana, you and Britt, me and Finn, Quinn you obviously have a lot going on if you're dating a married man"

Quinn opened her mouth to interject that he was getting divorced before Rachel continued.

"And Mercedes, I wouldn't even have a clue what your life is like because you never keep in touch!" Rachel said sadly.

"That's true Cedes" Santana mumbled. "Yeah, not a clue" Quinn echoed.

Mercedes sighed knowing they were right.

"So can we just stop turning against each other and just be there for one another. We're not in high school anymore, there's nothing holding us together except for us. If we don't fight for our friendships, there won't be any friendship left to fight for". Rachel stared from girl to girl, each looking back knowing the brown eyed girl spoke the truth.

Quinn twisted her lips. "Look, I'm sorry guys, Santana, I'm sorry. The truth is, there is a lot going on in my life, and I want to talk to you girls about it, I just didn't know how to. I've missed you, all of you".

Santana smiled, "I've missed you guys too, well not you Berry" Santana smiled.

The group broke out into a laugh.

"Rachel's right though Santana" Quinn said sitting down next to her friend. "We all need to fight for what we want, and I think deep down you know what you need to fight for".

Santana stared blankly, knowing in her heart and soul what Quinn said was true. She was not ready, nor would she ever be ready to give up on her love for Brittany. So she would fight, she would fight for the woman she loved, the only woman she had ever and would ever love. It was going to hurt and she wasn't' sure what was going to happen, but she had to try, she had to fight.


End file.
